Ask the Addiict's Mom

This question was asked to a member of Addict’s Mom, Teri Murgia. She is a recovering prescription drug addict and the mother of an addict who now dedicates her life to helping others who are suffering.  It is a powerful lesson she shared about enabling, and how her mother’s decision to walk away changed her life.

Question:    When your Mother found the courage to stop the enabling process by walking out on you when you were facing uncertain death how did that make you feel in your heart?

The day my Mother found the courage to walk out of my hospital room was the day I had made another personal attempt to end my life. She just couldn’t do it anymore. My Mother had already lost two children by this time, her heart was broken into a million pieces and all she could do was fall to her knees and cry out to GOD!

My first thought when she walked out of the room that day was, it confirmed what I was feeling, even my own Mother couldn’t love me. Then all the feelings of anger, bitterness and sometimes even a bit of hatred flooded my thoughts. What kind of Mother could walk away from their only daughter, how could someone be so cold and unfeeling?   Her last words to me that day were,  “ I AM NOT GOING TO SIT BACK AND WATCH YOU KILL YOURSELF ANYMORE, IF YOU WANT TO DIE THAT’S YOUR CHOICE , BUT I WON’T BE HERE TO WATCH IT!!” And she left.

It was that day when my long and difficult journey towards recovery began. You see my Mother made the ultimate choice that day, she chose her life. She knew her life was worth something and she was no longer going to allow my addiction to destroy it!  She was no longer going to be a victim of my destructive behavior.

Today I live my life grateful she had the courage to walk away, as it was the very thing I needed to begin my recovery. Thank you MOM, I love you!    

Making Sense of It All

Making Sense of It All

Time has a way of changing us, life has a way of showing us that we are not invincible. Youth cannot last forever, nor beauty, or health and often not even prosperity. But love, love alone is the one thing that can last forever and never be taken away. Love is all that matters and the good and the kindness that we bring to this world and to each other is all that is truly important.
Who do you admire? Is it the billionaire you see on TV or the Movie Star who is perceived as having the perfect life? Or is it someone much simpler, someone who has lived a life filled with love, meaning, and caring… someone like Mother Teresa. A simple woman who accomplished so much out of love and kindness that you cannot help but feel peace in the presence of her picture or get the chills just by listening to the sound of her voice?

Did you know that when Mother Theresa went on missions she refused to eat, so many people would ask her why and she would simply answer that in order to help, the poor, the hungry, the homeless, I have to know what it is like to feel what they feel?

 Did you ever wonder why you are the mother of an addict, or an addict? Did you ever wonder why me? Why is my child an addict? I used to be so angry that my child was an addict then one day a good friend told me that my son’s soul picked to be an addict (which is supposed to be one of the most difficult lives any soul can experience) so he could feel what it felt like to be an addict, because he was very special and God needed him to help others, maybe in this life or the next and one day and that it would be revealed to me why we went through so much
.
So if you like me the mother of an addict I want to thank you for everything you do to help other mothers and addicts. I want to thank you for sharing, listening, being brave and posting. Because I believe we were all picked to have such difficult lives to one day help others I know I sound a little crazy but I love and care for each of you and I am so proud to call you my friend.  Perhaps just like mother Teresa we were chosen to be mothers of addicts and our children were chosen to be addicts and we may all just have the privilege of helping others because we know how they feel whether it is in this life or maybe even the next.

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A Life's Jouney. WHY??

The following was submitted by one of our Addict's Moms Members - Teri Murgia I thought it was wonderful and wanted to share it with you.

Although today I am celebrating life through Recovery, I spent many years consumed by sadness, living in the insanity and destruction of addiction.  I was born in to addiction, I have lived the life of addiction, and I have a son who is struggling with addiction.  I know that when I first began to seek out recovery I found myself feeling angry, nothing was making any sense to me and I didn’t know why!  So in efforts to find the answers, I began to ask questions……

It is my prayer that when you read this you will begin to understand that just as you struggle with so many questions about your child’s addiction, so does your child! Yes, I had a lot of questions for God, I was angry and I didn’t understand, but I asked anyway!  Through the process of recovery I have come to realize that I will never have all the answers, and that’s ok. I am not defined by the questions that I ask, but I do have a responsibility to the way I live with my inability to find the answers. There is no one right answer to recovery, but admitting we are powerless and turning our life over to the care and control of God is a Great start!!

A  Life’s  Journey.  WHY??

What does it mean to give up, to quit? Is there really victory in defeat?  Why do I think I have to always fight for my place in this world?  I have fought to be a daughter, a sister, a friend, even a wife and Mother.  Why do I question my ability to be any one of these, or is it simply because I am afraid of losing someone I love?   Why do I equate loss to the emotion of love?  Isn’t it true, we were born into this world just to die? From the moment we take our first breath our journey towards death has begun.

There are days when I question God, WHY?  If death is inevitable, why do you give us life?  What is the purpose of life when everyday another child is being sexually, emotionally and physically abused? Why does a Father choose to leave his family or a husband beat his wife? Why is a woman’s womb barren Lord?  Why does a child have to suffer from Cancer?  Why are there so many addicts in this world?  I could ask a million questions Lord,   but Why??

I know that the answers are just beyond Heavens Gate, but God, what should I do with all these questions until then?  When I think about Jesus and his life here on earth, I question God, WHY?  Why did you send your own son here to suffer on my behalf?  Couldn’t there have been a different way?  One man stands against all the injustices of a complete universe, WHY?

Christian means to be Christ like. I strive to be like Jesus, but most times I fall short.  So on the days when life seems too difficult, and something causes more pain that I can bare, I stop and remind myself of Jesus and His painful life here on earth.  It is through His suffering that allows me to walk in forgiveness today.  So now before I ask why, I stop and offer a bit of thanks instead. Thank you Lord, for you are unchanging and your Love is ever present!!

A Letter To My Addicted Son From His Addicted Mom

The obsession never goes away, when I sleep you are often in my dreams or should I say nightmares, I wake with an uneasy feeling that something is wrong and then my mind slowly remembers that you are not okay. Sleeping is something I cannot do on my own anymore I need a pill to shut out the fear and the voices that remind me you are not okay. I play out different scenarios in my head of what might happen if I do this or that, planning and plotting what to try next.  Your problem has become my problem. Your addiction has fostered an addiction in me, an addiction to you, an addiction to trying to save your life.

Nothing else matters, no one else is noticed my family is falling apart because I am never present. But I tell myself your addiction is urgent it is a matter of life and death. I somehow block out the pain I am causing everyone else because you need me more. With you it is always a matter of life and death.  Haven’t you proved it so many times? Three near death experiences, jail, hospital, psychiatric wards. How could I abandon you when you need me so much? Won’t everyone else just understand that their mother, wife is in a state of emergency for the past three years? Wouldn’t they do the same thing for someone they loved? Perhaps if there were any signs of improvement they would. But so far there have been none. In fact, your condition has worsened, your addiction has progressed. My addiction has now become as sick as yours, doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Isn’t that the definition of insanity?  Are we both insane?

Enabling, detaching, letting go and letting God.  Why haven’t I let go? Why won’t I accept whatever will be after all it really is not my choice. In fact, it never was but I am so bad at quitting or should I say letting go of control especially when the stakes are so high. This is my son we are talking about I want to scream out loud to everyone that lectures me “I can’t do it! I can’t let him go! I can’t leave him on the streets he may die!  Isn’t it strange that I watch the sadness of everyone around me, they are emotionally dying they want me back. Perhaps my biggest problem is denial. I deny, block, shut out the pain that you and now I your accomplice have caused everyone in our family, everyone we love so dearly. I have become as selfish as you. I singularly focus on you as you do on your drug. I have lost my sanity and have become completely self absorbed. Still, my family has remained intact and devoted to me. I am one of the lucky ones.

Barbara Theodosiou

I welcome your comments or feedback.

Submit your story to http://www.theaddictsmom.com/

Email me at barbara@mommymentors.com

Losing "Peter"

Losing "Peter"

This story is very difficult for me because I have so many regrets about the way I raised Peter.

Peter was the first of my four children. From the moment he was born we were inseparable.  When he smiled, he lit up the room. I was a very devoted mother and we were very close.

After a few years, I gave birth to my second child, Daniel.  He was an extremely difficult child who cried day and night.  I started to feel overwhelmed.  Since Peter seemed so capable, I thought he had it all together.  I didn’t think I had to worry about him.  That was my first mistake and the point where I began to lose Peter.

When Daniel was nine months old, I became pregnant with Nicole.  My former husband did not participate in child care responsibilities and, as a result, I became extremely stressed out.  The children also had to endure many violent outbursts from their father, including both verbal and mental abuse.

Peter was nine when I divorced his father. I was thirty nine years old and alone with my three children for a year and a half.  Then I met my present husband, Rudy.  Since he did not have any children, he wanted a child of his own.  I was blessed and became pregnant with my beautiful son, Alexander.
During my pregnancy, my youngest son, Daniel had behavioral problems and needed most of my attention. Rudy had his own issues learning to deal with his new blended family.  My daughter Nicole was my perfect child and she never complained but it was a difficult time period for Peter and my other children.  They were still dealing with the divorce and they now had to face a whole new life, which included a lot of chaos and drama. During this difficult time period, I was emotionally unavailable for Peter.

Peter began to spend almost every weekend with his best friend, who lived several towns away.  That was the point when I willingly gave up control of Peter.  I was being pulled in so many directions by everyone who needed me.  I felt like I had nothing left to give and that Peter was getting all of his much needed attention from another family.

When Peter was 14 years old, he decided he would rather live at his dad’s.  Alex was a toddler at that time and Daniel’s struggles were increasing.   Peter felt that he could no longer deal with the issues at home.  Peter’s dad, who would benefit financially, encouraged him to live with him.  I told him that he was making a huge mistake and that his dad was violent and abusive, but I didn’t stop Peter. I was his legal guardian and could have said no, but I didn¹t. I was too tired to fight. It was the easy thing to do, not the right thing to do.  One of my biggest regrets is that I didn’t stop Peter from going to live with his dad.  I could have put my foot down and stopped him from going, but I didn’t.

Peter lived with his dad through high school.  His grades deteriorated.  He went from a straight A student in middle school to a C-D student who barely attended school. Although I had a feeling that something was terribly wrong, Peter never spoke about what happened in his dad’s home.  My children lived by an unspoken rule that nobody told on dad no matter how abusive he was, or they would deal with his horrible wrath.  Peter’s weight escalated during this time period.

Peter went off to college, UCF, but he hated it.  He left after a few months and returned to his dad’s house. My inner voice told me it was not good for Peter to live with his dad.   I never had the courage to ask Rudy if Peter could live with us because at that point in my life I did not have a career and was financially and emotionally dependent on my new husband.  I felt that it would have cost me my marriage.  I fooled myself and rationalized that if the situation got too out of hand, Peter would tell me what was going on.

During this terrible time in Peter’s life, he turned to drugs.  He went into a rehab facility, where he was placed into a trauma unit, when he was 19.  It was there that it was discovered that he was considered one of the most abused individuals.  Peter came out of rehab and began to rebuild his life.  I got him an apartment and he started school at Broward College.

My relationship with Peter has been strained.  I have apologized to him many times, explaining to him that I was a much weaker person then. I regret that I let him live with his dad .  At that time, I was a needy, dependant woman who was under the control of very domineering men.  I still cannot believe the choices a dependant woman will make, even when it comes to the well being of her own children.  
Peter is back out of rehab, although he has relapsed twice. Our relationship is better, but still cordial. There is an unspoken awkwardness between Peter and myself.  I still cannot make peace with what happened to Peter.  I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive myself.  I am trying to provide encouragement to Peter by providing any means of support, either financial or emotional, as long as Peter is also working toward the solution.

The road to forgive myself is long and hard and I can’t imagine what it must be like for Peter. I have never gotten over what happened to him.  It happened one day at a time, and days turned into years. For any mother reading this, your children are the most important things in your life-- keep them close to you. I didn’t do that, and it remains the most painful lesson I have ever learned in my life.

Barbara Theodosiou
www.theaddictsmom.com

Daniel's Story

My name is Barbara. My four children range from ages 9 to 21, which means much of my life has been spent changing diapers, making lunches, and driving to countless schools and activities on behalf of my kids. Somewhere along the way I became an accessory to my children -- no longer a person. I slowly lost my identity because of my son Daniel.

Daniel, my second child, was the boy who was always being ridiculed by the other kids. It broke my heart, and because I felt the need to protect him, I continuously enrolled him in activity after activity, hoping to find something that caught his interest. I went to the School Board on three different occasions to transfer him to yet another High School. This contributed to Daniel’s lack of independence and our codependent relationship.

Daniel was all about extremes. He swung from obsession with excessive body building in Middle School, to devoting himself to Christianity in High School. His devout Bible-toting days – a period of peace in his life -- culminated in depression as kids who belonged to the youth group started to find him “weird” and exclude him. He decided he no longer believed in God and abandoned the one place that had initially accepted him.

Over the years I began to lose myself as “Barbara.” I became a part of Daniel, and was known as "Daniel's Mom” -- the master enabler. Whether I was trying to get my other children to bring him along with their friends, or begging principals, teachers, school office attendees, or anyone who would listen, my goal was to save Daniel.

I longed for him to be included, to feel normal, and to be a part of something. Whenever he had a meltdown, he would always say to me, “Mom, I just want to be normal.”

As Daniel descended into the world of addiction, I grew fragile from the barrage of phone calls, the hospital visits, the police appearing at my front door, and life spiraling out of control. I had to give up my career, and focus all my time on what I thought was helping Daniel. I was scared, emotionally devastated and always on the verge of a nervous breakdown at the very time when every member of my family needed me. But there I was, concentrating all my attention on Daniel and letting my other children fend for themselves.

It took all my strength to cope with and parent Daniel. I was at the lowest point in my life, and for the first time I began taking anti-depressants. I don't know exactly where I lost control of Daniel and myself. The blur of time from protecting my son’s outlandish behavior to watching him destroy his life by getting high on exorbitant amounts of pills is very painful to revisit. Daniel would test me – and himself – for several more years. His growing drug habit landed him in the hospital’s ICU three times. The last time, the doctors told me to prepare for him to die.

Once more I was spurred into action. I decided if I had to move heaven and earth my goal would be to have him arrested and save him from dying in the streets. I sat in court for weeks, sent letters, made endless phone calls and set court dates. I wouldn’t accept “no” from anyone, regardless of their position or power. Nothing could stop me from protecting my son – and I prevailed. He was sentenced to a Juvenile Correctional Facility where he has spent the last three months as I write this story, and will spend at least the next six months there. This outcome was the best of the worst choices I had. I visit him weekly and pray for him daily as he is forced to remain sober and reflect on the past two years.

Now it’s up to Daniel. Sadly he was forced to learn life lessons the hard way, as he deals with the many challenges of incarceration. But as the fog slowly clears away and his mind is restored Daniel is talking about being drug-free and appreciating the value of freedom in his life. He’s beginning to understand his own value and slowly developing a sense of self-esteem which has been missing for so long. He’s taking two college correspondence classes and looking ahead toward the future. While he will always be “different” in some ways, he is learning that should not define or limit him. For the first time in years Daniel is beginning to believe what I have always told him, that he is very, very important to me, his family, himself and the world. He is a brilliant writer with much to offer.

As for me, I guess it was about time to find Barbara and bring her back from all this craziness. What could a lifelong enabler do to rescue her own soul? Extend a hand to other women in need. And that’s what I did. I am the founder of the Addict’s Mom, Mommy Mentors and the Co-Founder of Women Helping Women Mastermind.

While I am still a student in life, I have learned on my journey that we all have issues to work on. Although I wish I had found my path earlier, there is always hope for those willing to change. I pray that Daniel as well as my other children will join me in this path of self-awareness and personal discovery. While my arms are always open to Daniel as well as all my children. I will never again be the master enabler.


"The Addict's Mom"is a group focusing on the mothers of addicted children. The relationship between the mother and addicted child is unique; that does not diminish the experiences of other family members.
Being the mother of an addicted child is a painful journey that covers a wide range of emotions. This blog will contain true stories/poems of extraordinary moms who share their personal stories of the difficulties and challenges they face every day, plus resources and information.



Barbara Theodosiou
barbara@mommymentors.com
http://www.theaddictsmom.com/

Please share your story. I realize that this may take a tremendous amount of strength. But I believe you possess that strength and that there is tremendous power in sharing. Not only for the person who shares but for the person who receives the sharing. I know I did not go through this heart wrenching situation for nothing or without learning, growing or changing.

Our hearts break, but we can find strength together.