The obsession never goes away, when I sleep you are often in my dreams or should I say nightmares, I wake with an uneasy feeling that something is wrong and then my mind slowly remembers that you are not okay. Sleeping is something I cannot do on my own anymore I need a pill to shut out the fear and the voices that remind me you are not okay. I play out different scenarios in my head of what might happen if I do this or that, planning and plotting what to try next. Your problem has become my problem. Your addiction has fostered an addiction in me, an addiction to you, an addiction to trying to save your life.
Nothing else matters, no one else is noticed my family is falling apart because I am never present. But I tell myself your addiction is urgent it is a matter of life and death. I somehow block out the pain I am causing everyone else because you need me more. With you it is always a matter of life and death. Haven’t you proved it so many times? Three near death experiences, jail, hospital, psychiatric wards. How could I abandon you when you need me so much? Won’t everyone else just understand that their mother, wife is in a state of emergency for the past three years? Wouldn’t they do the same thing for someone they loved? Perhaps if there were any signs of improvement they would. But so far there have been none. In fact, your condition has worsened, your addiction has progressed. My addiction has now become as sick as yours, doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Isn’t that the definition of insanity? Are we both insane?
Enabling, detaching, letting go and letting God. Why haven’t I let go? Why won’t I accept whatever will be after all it really is not my choice. In fact, it never was but I am so bad at quitting or should I say letting go of control especially when the stakes are so high. This is my son we are talking about I want to scream out loud to everyone that lectures me “I can’t do it! I can’t let him go! I can’t leave him on the streets he may die! Isn’t it strange that I watch the sadness of everyone around me, they are emotionally dying they want me back. Perhaps my biggest problem is denial. I deny, block, shut out the pain that you and now I your accomplice have caused everyone in our family, everyone we love so dearly. I have become as selfish as you. I singularly focus on you as you do on your drug. I have lost my sanity and have become completely self absorbed. Still, my family has remained intact and devoted to me. I am one of the lucky ones.
Barbara Theodosiou
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